I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
