My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
