Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
