Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
