Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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