Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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