your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I wish they made helmets for livers.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
