Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
