dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
