Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
