sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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