Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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