like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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