I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
