i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
