Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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