Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
