Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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