she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
