Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
