The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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