he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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