He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
