I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
