I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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