Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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