I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
