hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
