She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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