left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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