pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
