I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
