Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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