my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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