I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
