So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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