Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
