UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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