we have officially lost it.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
