...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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