I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
