I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
what day is it and did you see me today?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
