dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Randomize
