You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
