I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We need a shit load of segways right now
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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