I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
