We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
