i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
