i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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