he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I want to fling myself into the sun
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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