i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
