Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
