its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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