That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
