The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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