She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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