Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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