I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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