i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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