I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
